Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Im a MORNING person.

What do normal people do when they have to get up at 4am? Good fucking question because apparently I think it’s a good idea to get rip roaring drunk and stay up until midnight. Im really smart. I have a college degree thank you very much. Honestly, Im getting too old for this shit, but somehow I continue to convince myself that I can party on week nights. And by party I mean get drunk and cry at home alone. My life is completely under control. Duh.

It is 8am. Here is my morning.

Ttraffic is really great at 5am. I mean, the people on the road are complete assholes (who isn’t at that time of the morning?) but at least there aren’t really that many of them. And whoever fucking invented headlights should be shot. Ok, I know they do serve a purpose, but having them blaring in my eyes when my head is pounding and I am about to fall asleep at the wheel is really damn annoying slash life saving slash annoying.

Anywho, I roll up to my office and the front doors were fucking locked (apparently they lock overnight) so I had to break in the side door. Well not so much break in as punch in a door code, but it was all dark and quiet so I felt like I was being a robber. (I used to always have this dream where robbers escaped from prison and you could tell who they were because they wore those black and white jumpsuit getups. And hid behind haystacks.)

So not too long after me a couple of my co-workers showed up (they always said they got in early, but I never believed them) and they fucking dropped their jaws when they saw me. They wouldn’t leave me alone. I would try to ‘rest’ my head on my desk and they wouldn’t fucking let me. So when they weren’t looking I totally pulled a George Castanza and got under my desk. OMG laying on the floor has never been more comfortable in my life. I totally slept for like 30mins, but then I got scared. Apparently when Im tired Im a pussy.

Apparently when Im tired I also don’t even look in a mirror because I am exceptionally pretty today. I should probably be a model. And a fashion icon. Im wearing jeans with a large hole in the crotch and this weird pink/purple stain on the knee that Im assuming is from something I threw in the washer because Ive never noticed it before and its pretty fucking noticeable. Oh yes, topping it off I decided in my stooper to wear a long sleeve shirt. Its not like its summer or I hate being hot or anything. If you want any fashion tips, feel free to contact me at any time. No bras or panties allowed. I hate panties.

Moral of the story: When someone offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive. And delicious. Nom nom om nom.