Friday, June 3, 2011

Work is for Jerks

1. I wish all of my paychecks came ginormous like those ones you see on tv when they surprise old people at their house (prize patrol, or something like that, I cant fucking remember, but I think you have to sign up from Readers Digest) Then I would get to take it to the bank and everyone would think I was something really special. They could cheer for me each week when I came in and to deposit it I would just have to shake hands with the teller and snap a photo. That would be the life.

2. I also wish that my boss would put gold star stickers on my completed work with big bubbly writing that says, ‘Great Job Jenna’ or ‘You did it again! A+’ like they used to do in elementary school. I dont know about you, but if my boss did that, I would hang that shit up on the fridge in the break room and/or send it to my grandma. Its like just because I always do amazing work, nobody even thinks to appreciate that shit with a ‘Good Job.’ Its not that fucking hard to say people. And yes, I may occasionally read at my desk, Im always running late, and I take long lunches, but dont get it twisted, I murder my work.

3. Yesterday some dude I work with (in from out of town) said, ‘Its amazing that your office is so nice and youre so organized here at work, because your personal life is a complete mess.’ To him I say, ‘See you NEVER.’ And yes, that was literally the last thing I said to him before he left. Dickhole. I say this to a lot of people and they get offended, but seriously, like Im going to fucking see you again random dude I met at the bar one night. Be realistic. Tomorrow I wont even remember your name.

4. Sometimes in meetings I raise my hand when I want to speak. Its just habit. Clearly this makes me seem uber professional.

5. My boss said the word ‘nibble’ yesterday in a meeting and I giggled. Nibble is a super fun word to say and I dont think it gets the air time it should in life. Ps. Dont ask me why in the hell he said nibble, but he did, and it was funny. I even wrote it down so I wouldnt forget to blog about it. Yes, this is what my life has come to my friends.

6. I love when people bring food into the office in the mornings. I never know who actually brings it because I get in late, and most of the time its all gone for that very reason, but I still think its awesome. These are by far the coolest decorated doughnuts Ive ever seen and I want to eat one. Nom nom om om. They remind me of my bday one year when I had special cupcakes that were decorated in bright colors and had skulls on the top. They were amazing. And crazy delicious (like mr. pibb and red vines)