Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Bloggess

I heart many a blog, but The Bloggess is by far my most favorite ever ever in the entire world. This broad is so fucking funny, I cant even tell you. I follow her blog and twitter and pretty much everything she does and would probably stalk her if she lived in CO... and try to give her a kiss... and then steal her and keep her locked in my basement and make her entertain me whenever I wanted. Oh shit I dont have a basement. Ok my laundry room, then she could wash my clothes and keep an eye on my furnace too. Not that my furnace has any problems; it would be more of a preemptive eye. Anyway, funny as fuck best blog ever. And if you dont like it we can no longer speak.

Nice girls finish drunk.
December 22, 2009

People always tell me I shouldn’t give money to homeless people because they’ll just buy booze with it and I understand that but I’ve been giving money to the homeless for years and if we all stop giving hobos money then the liquor stores lose and that’s what causes a recession. Then we’re all fucked. Nice work, homeless people. Now I can’t get a car loan because you ruined the economy.

That’s why now I just give my money straight to the liquor stores. And I get liquor in exchange for that money. So now I’m stabilizing the economy, saving the homeless from themselves, and I can make wine slushies. It’s kind of a win-win except now I think I might be an alcoholic. I blame the homeless.

PS. I wonder if this is how those drunken homeless people get started? Maybe they’re just trying to heroically stimulate the economy and then a year later they’re living under a bridge talking to themselves because they’re too drunk to use twitter correctly. Those people are fucking saints.

PPS. I just took that online test to see if I’m an alcoholic. Turns out I’m a cocker spaniel. That’s fucked up.

PPPS. Victor says I accidentally took the “What kind of dog are you?” test. Still, you hardly ever see drunken cocker spaniels so I’m pretty sure that proves something. Victor says it proves something too.

PPPPS. Fine. I took the “Are you an alcoholic? test” and it says I answered one too many of the questions “yes” so I “might have a problem” but technically one question asked you drank because you were shy and another asked if you drank to increase your confidence and THOSE ARE TECHNICALLY THE EXACT SAME QUESTION. So I’m pretty sure this is a trick test and that only real alcoholics would be so drunk that they wouldn’t recognize that they are totally answering the same question twice and that if you’re sober enough to realize that this test is fucking with you that means you probably aren’t drunk enough. So, yeah. I win. And I’m a cocker spaniel. This is the best day ever.


GrittyVelvet said...

I almost peed in my khakis from reading this. I love it! WIN WIN WIN!