Monday, July 27, 2009

I Heart Heartbreak

by this time next year i wont remember your name.

Today I feel like bleh. No particular reason, no particular feeling, just bleh. Seems like lately my moods go in and out, good and bleh (not bad, just bleh.) When Im like this, I think of him, dont know why, but I do. Dun, dun, dunnnnn...

My view on life is changing. I used to be super blinders on, i hate love, relationships are doomed, marriage is meant to end, and hearts are meant to be broken type of gal. And I used to live by this theory and break as many hearts as possible. For fun. And laugh, hard. I try to go back to this life philosophy, but for some reason Im just not there anymore. Im still somewhat undecided on my love feelings, but I know I am not the wonderful hater I used to be and it blows bottlerockets, although I am keeping my fingers crossed it will come back to me (wish wish). I know I DO NOT want another relationship or anything like one, maybe never again as I plan to be a drunken old cat lady (plus puppy), but fuck getting my heart broken for the first real time ever. Im not really that sad, and Im not crying anymore, Im just ok. Ok, but like DDoll says, Ill be ok, but never the same. That sucks. I sure do wish I could punch him in his g damn face though.

Let me (and by me, I mean these quotes) give you a lesson on love...

'Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out (ok I cant help it, bahaha) and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.'
-Neil Gaiman

'Your heart is my pinata.'
-Chuck Palahniuk